Seeing Sideways

Secret

My secret is that I have Asperger’s Syndrom, which is a form of high fuctioning autism.

Fear

I read some article about fear from the Psychology Today website and actually ended up thinking most of what I thought were fears were actually anxieties. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201112/the-complexity-fear

“ Fear is generally considered a reaction to something immediate that threatens your security or safety, such as being startled by someone suddenly jumping out at you from behind a bush. The emotion of fear is felt as a sense of dread, alerting you to the possibility that your physical self might be harmed, which in turn motivates you to protect yourself. Thus, the notion of “fight or flight” is considered a fear response” “In contrast to fear, anxiety is a general state of distress that is longer lasting than fear and usually is triggered by something that is not specific, even though it produces physiological arousal, such as nervousness and apprehension” “Perhaps better clarifying the difference is the notion that where anxiety is foreboding and puts you on alert to a future threat, fear immediately leads to an urge to defend yourself with escape from an impending disaster” 

So based on this I think I am actually more anxious about things, not necessarily afraid. One of the things that I think can definitely be considered a fear is my fear of spiders. I was thinking about going to a pet store and seeing if they would let someone film me (and my reaction to) holding a tarantula, but I am not actually scared of tarantulas. So I was thinking about that and I realized it was because I knew tarantulas can’t hurt me. I was just afraid of the spiders I couldn’t identify as being harmless.  This got me thinking about other things I am fearful/afraid of.  Such as heights /fear of falling, large crowds, loud noises, death and other things that are probably considered more in the anxiety category (like car crashes and getting kidnapped).  After thinking about all this I realized that they all have 2 things in common, fear of the unknown and fear of not being able to control the situation.  

 I thought about how I could experiment with fear of the unknown or not being in control. As, I was trying to think of something to do, I remember an article I read about a performance art piece in the 70’s but I couldn’t remember the name of the artist or anything else helpful so lots of internet research later I found out the artist was Marina Abramović and the performance was called Rhythm 0. In this performance Marina placed 72 objects on a table, some that could give pleasure and others that could inflict pain. Some of the items were a feather, honey, rose, whip, scissors, gun and a single bullet. She stood next to the table for 6 hours and let people use the objects on her however they chose. When I first heard of this I had no idea why anyone would do that, give control over to people, strangers even. So, I thought a modified version of this would be a good experiment. I wasn’t sure what items to use or how long I should stand there and after throwing around some ideas I thought I could just use markers and let people draw on me. That also seemed less scary.

I hypothesize that not many people will want to draw and I will be standing in front of the class like an idiot for 5 minutes. (or I will have 30 dicks drawn on me)

More people participated than I thought would. I asked Cody to draw something on me to break the ice (nobody likes to be the first one to do something new!) of course he drew a penis on me because he knew I was afraid I would have a bunch of penises drawn on me. There were several positive things written on me which I found interesting. Several people came back and drew on me multiple times. Not many people drew on my legs but I understand why. To me it was horrible. I wanted to get it over with that day though. I couldn’t go another week dreading it! I also don’t really like people touching me so the whole thing was just terrible. So I went to a happy place and tried not to think about it. It was an interesting experience and not something I want to do again!

If I was going to change this experiment maybe I would sort of force everyone to participate. It might make someone have to confront their fears as well. I’m not sure how else I could change the experiment.

 I think I had the strongest reaction to my own fear assignment because I was so far out of my comfort zone. None of the other assignments really affected me.

The results of the fear assignment

What has stuck sideways

The thing that I remember most about this class is the first day. Everything Beth said was the opposite of what I wanted. Vague assignments, not big on grades, bullshitting is good and logic is bad. All of that stuff is terrible to me. But as I went to other classes, I realized that these things aren’t bad all the time. (Although, I still have trouble with the vague assignments.)

Another thing I remember is when everyone talked about their totems. It was very interesting to me. Especially, that most people did something alone. I didn’t even think I liked other people all that much, but I was one of about 3 people that spent their hour doing something that made them the happiest, with other people. I also thought it was interesting to hear what other people did. It was fascinating.

I also remember the last project we did where we use our totem as a starting point and do something unexpected with it. Mine did not turn out how I wanted at all, but that is ok. i was mostly interested to see what other people would do. I thought some people did really awesome things. Like the “Wood for Thought” project with the drift wood and the rainbow project with the water in the light bulb. I wish I could think of awesome things like that. 

This class has been way different than other classes I have taken. Even art classes. There is usually always a rigid ”here is what you do, do it just like this” kind of structure. I am really not used to doing assignments as vague as this. In other classes when I did get creative freedom I would just freeze up and not have a clue what to do and then i would end up submitting sub par work.

What I really want to get out of this class is to be more creative. Which is what the class is about, isn’t it? I haven’t really felt any more creative yet and I’m not sure how it will happen, but I guess I just have to wait and see!

Ceramics and what-not

I actually enjoyed the movie we watched today (I thought it could have been shorter) but it made me want to take ceramics classes again. I took 2 ceramics classes in High School and the teacher encouraged me to take more, but I kinda stopped going to school, so I didn’t take any more ceramics classes. I know they have some at Herron but they have never fit in my schedule. As soon as i got home I looked at them and there is a wheel throwing one that will work in the fall with the classes i think i will take. So I am excited about that! We also talked about the midterm assignment which is apparently the infamous fear assignment! dun dun dun!! Since the beginning of the semester I have dreaded the fear assignment because I am afraid of everything. Really. I have a kinda crazy mother who was also afraid of everything and her constant talk of all that could kill us or hurt us in this world made me terrified of everything. My mother’s germaphobia (spell check says this is not a real word!) is obsessive and she passed this fear of germs on to me and my sisters. One of my sisters is even diagnosed with OCD and feels compelled to shower twice a day and wash her hands 100 times! I have actually gotten a lot less afraid of germs since I moved out of my parents house, so that is good! Actually, I have worried a lot less about scary things since I moved out. I still am afraid of plenty of things though, but I always have my boyfriend around to tell me how stupid it is to be afraid! :P

The only think i could think about when trying to come up with an idea for this project was that guy that shot paint out of butt (see it for yourself WARNING: NSFW, not for those easily disgusted or offended). I really did NOT want to do anything close to that!!! D: (Why would someone do that?! Better question: why would someone want to hang that painting in their living room?!)

Anyway I was trying really hard of something I could do in a new way. Well, I came up with coloring a picture using food and since my totem was a wii-mote representing the fun I have playing Mario Party I drew Mario and he looked lonely so I drew Boo as well (He is my favorite character). For some reason I was thinking this was new an innovative. Then while I was pouring cinnamon on Mario’s shoes I realize that lots of people use food in art, but at that point I was too committed to do something else and besides I had never made art with food before.

 I  tried to put marshmallows on Boo but it looked really weird so I took it off, but now there are tiny bits marshmallow all over him. I was also having a hard time finding stuff that was blue or red. At first I was going to use any food but then when i was gathering various colors I realized most of it was sweet stuff so I decided to only use sweet stuff. So then no ketchup for the red. We had lot of left over candy from after Halloween sales, i found some pixie stix for the blue but those are Cody’s favorite so i was hesitant about using them but I couldn’t find anything else so i just used them (I told him I would buy him more) red was also difficult but i found some jaw breakers and got them all saliva-y and then spit them out and used i sort of like water colors but that grossed me out. it probably would have been easier to do the whole thing like that but red was the last color i did so i didn’t want to change it at that time. 

it is really messy and i hate it but at least I tried something!

Here is a list of foods i used:

Blue Pixie Stix

Orange Pixie Stix

Sprinkles

Black Raspberry Jam

Oreos

Cinnamon

Chocolate Pudding

Marshmallows

Breaking Rules

In class we talked about rules and how when you break them you can make really neat things. I happen to like rules and order. I don’t particularly like the idea of breaking rules but I understand what we were talking about was breaking the rules of art and it is not necessarily bad. I guess I didn’t think to much about how my totem relates to my creativity. It doesn’t really. Except for the fact that I was on of the only people that seemed to spend there hour with other people which that fact is very weird to me because I don’t usually like hanging out with people often. Anyway, if I was going to relate my totem to creativity at all, I would say that it represents how I need other people’s approval when I come up with an idea. I have to run it by people and if they don’t seem as enthusiastic as I do, I give up on it. This is especially true with my boyfriend and he is never enthusiastic! I really should just stick to doing what makes me enthusiastic.

This is my tiger made out of socks. I am not feeling well, so his tail didn’t get finished. He is also kinda lumpy, but I like him.

50 What ifs…

What if…

1. I drew a tiger?
2. I drew other animals and placed them in the shape of a tiger? 
3. I made a stuffed animal tiger?
4. I made it out of socks?
5. I stuff it with newspaper?
6. It was not normal tiger colors?
7. I made a tiger outfit?
8. I made a tiger outfit for the cat?
9. I made a tiger outfit for the sugar gliders?
10. I made food in the shape of a tiger?
11. I made food with tiger stripes?
12. I didn’t do this assignment?
13. the moon landing was fake?
14. the moon actually is made of cheese?
15. the moon is made of tigers?
16. I had a million dollars?
17. I had a million tigers?
18. We could have our cake and eat it too?
19. 50 was a smaller number?
20. this class actually made sense?
21. the teacher didn’t read these, so I just made shit up?
22. we had more time? 
23. I didn’t procrastinate?
24. tigers procrastinated?
25. no one ever got sick?
26. I had some really awesome macaroni and cheese right now?
27. I can’t think of 50 what if questions?
28. I really, really didn’t want to do this assignment?
29. there were only 50 tigers?
30. I make a comic about procrastinating tigers?
31. tigers had wings?
32. tigers were purple?
33. purple tigers with wings are the reason we procrastinate?
34. this project was about ligers instead of tigers?
35. I could draw really, really well?
36. I just repeated the same what if question?
37. tigers were spotted instead of stripped?
38. tigers were smaller than house cats?
39. tigers were green?
40. I can’t think of 10 more questions?
41. my cat was a tiger?
42. nobody hunted tigers?
43. there were no tigers at the zoo?
44. I am doing this assignment completely wrong?
45. I make tiger socks?
46. I made tiger shoes?
47. that means shoes for tigers?
48. tigers had no tails?
49. we rode tigers to work instead of cars?
50. I was done with this assignment?

These are my notes. We wrote what we daydream about. Apparently “blacking out” is the most important, but I didn’t even think it was worth writing down at first. So, I ended up having to write it next to the rest of the list. On the second page is the all important What if cycle. (and the seeing eye chinchilla I drew for Cody.)  

Today’s class was better than the others in my opinion. I liked that everyone showed what they did. I was hoping we would do that for the bead in the second class, but oh well. I don’t really see how daydreaming is a good thing though. I always get scolded for not paying attention so, I can’t see why it’s good. and I think about “what if’s?” already. too much in fact. So much that I can’t enjoy what actually happens because I think of all the things that didn’t happen. It’s really horrible. *sigh* Well, off to sleep now.